No pressure, kid...

Meet the new love of my life: Baby boy Croskey! We know his name, but aren't ready to make it widely known. It took me about a day to get completely used to the idea of having another boy around the house. I knew he was a boy from early on in my pregnancy. (I knew Anna was a boy also - good track record). This time I was right! My initial thoughts were gratitude that he was healthy, what I was going to do with my attic full of baby clothes, and that Anna would be dissapointed about not getting a sister. She took it in stride. A direct quote: "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy, and it's a baby." As I looked at his picture and shopped online for his car seat, my heart melted and I fell in love.

Maternal love is so hard to explain. It's like trying to explain the ocean to someone whose never seen it. I am so grateful for it, because I don't know how these munchkins would make it out alive without it.

So, the dreams and fantasies begin. Someone has to play the drums in Anna's piano band. We need a basketball player. Most importantly, we need comic relief when Mom is stressed about the big kids' homework. We need someone to cuddle who will never say, "I need my space right now." And, we need someone to listen to Anna's rambling lessons about music conducting and the proper way to draw a triangle. You got all that? You're gonna have a great life. No pressure, kid. We love you already! (But, I love you the most).

"I am in love with myself!"

Anna admired my flat-ironed hair and begged me to do hers. She has the most adorable, soft curls framing her face. But, I too know the desire for change, so I complied. I could not get her away from the mirror for about 20 minutes afterward. I asked, "Are you just in love with yourself now?" Her reply came quickly: "Yeah mama - I am in love with myself!"

Develop over-inflated ego in daughter...check!

photo taken at 16 weeks pregnant

After several attempts and outfit changes, I had Shawn take the first official photographic record of my pregnancy. This is at 16 weeks. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Anna, people would say, "You're halfway there and I can't even tell you're pregnant!"

Not the case this time.

A failed novelist

A journal entry I read the other day stated that my novel would be completed by October 2007. That was a full two years ago and a mere two months before I would welcome a then 5-year-old little boy into my life and home. I just haven't found it within myself to finish that darn book. I think it's a good story and I am not saying we have no future together. But, our future together looks distant. This seems like a good activity for one who loves to write, and has many random thoughts, but little time and even less ability to make a serious committment.

My family is Shawn (40), Leon (7), Anna (5), and Abby the dog (8ish). Abby greets Shawn every evening when he gets home with the feverish intensity of a creature left in the desert being handed an iced glass of Gatorade. This is a complete mystery, because he pats her on the head exactly one time daily.

We are about one month into the school year and my major worry is really my only worry: the social strata of the public school system. My son seems to be drawn to overbearing, bullyish girls. My daughter is very shy and only truly comfortable around a handful of people in the world. I steel myself every day when I drop them off and pray that no one will be cruel to them. I waited all summer for them to be separated and now I just want to keep them in the same room together for protection. I am learning that the onion analogy can by applied to parenting: as soon as you feel like you have something, anything, about this journey figured out, another layer peels back and you feel raw and tearful. Shawn reminds me every day that all we can do is provide them with a secure, loving home to return to each day, no matter what happens outside these walls. He's right. But, we also pray for their protection (and I do a little social coaching in the ear when no one is looking...there has to be some benefit to having a social butterfly for a mother).

In news of the unborn: I love being pregnant! My family thinks it's really funny that I start yawning at 5pm and that I have to pee every 20 minutes. It's terrific. Assuming fetal cooperation, we will find out on October 14th whether we will be graced with a baby girl or boy. Either one will be treasured. Till next time...