Life in Black & White

The Art of Sitting s...t...i...l...l

2012-01-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you have a spare moment? I mean, exactly one or two moments. I tend to immediately grab my phone and check for a new text message. If my phone isn't handy, I focus on pushing my cuticles down.

I was helping my son with homework the other day when he stood up to get something from another room. He asked me to wait, so I remained seated. My instinct was to hop up and find something to occupy my hands, even for those 45 seconds, because they shouldn't be wasted. But I didn't. I paused, stilled my hands, and looked out the window. One moment of repose. It was lovely. My mind was clear when my son returned and we were able to resume his homework. That started me thinking...why I am so uncomfortable sitting still?

It's not just me. Look around next time you are in public. Do you see anyone just sitting? My personal theory is that to be completely still is to appear unimportant or lazy. We place a great premium these days on being productive, efficient, and in high-demand.

I have decided to start a counter-movement: who can be the most relaxed, unattached, and idle? Take a moment and just...

be.

Disney trip 2011

2012-01-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas Greetings 2011

2011-12-18T16:46:00.000-08:00

Croskeys love to bicker, make fun of each other, and engage in family wrestling matches. But, we end every day with a prayer and “I love you.” That has to count for something, right?

Helping our family remain financially afloat, Shawn continues to work at Polk County Mental Health and LDS Family Services. He is seeking to heal the world, one person at a time. He will soon move to the West Salem office and be close enough to visit home for lunch. Hooray!

Running the kids all over town is something we do a lot! Anna takes Ballet and piano lessons. Leon takes Hip Hop and attends Cub Scout. The kids are always prepared, on time, and cheerful about each activity!

I take the money for all those activities out of their college/used car/travel/clothing/food fund.

Scampering around the house, making messes, and repeating everything we say is the specialty of little Christian. He is 21 months old!

Tearing down the sidewalks of West Salem at breakneck speeds has become a recent hobby of mine. I participated in a relay and sprint triathlon earlier this year.

Making the bed is first battle that Anna and I engage in and the ball rolls from there. Anna is a careful student, artful negotiator, and comical performance artist around our house.

Always looking to be helpful, Leon is gaining maturity right before our very eyes. We depend on him for a lot of help. His mouth is very mature, so sometimes he gets in trouble for sassiness.

Some really lucky (and broke) adults in our house got to spend a week in Hawaii this past October. We quickly realized why it’s such a popular destination. Thanks Alice for keeping the kids!

This year and every year, our family has been incredibly blessed by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We find joy and peace in His teachings, and we try to spread his love to everyone around us. Thank you for being part of our lives!

Love, the Croskey family

Did this really happen???

2011-11-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

So much has occurred in three weeks since we've been home, that it's hard to believe we ever went to Hawaii. But, we did! Here's the proof...

2011-09-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

2011-09-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

2011-09-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

2011-09-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

summer so far

2011-07-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

This summer is going well so far. It started with an awesome relay from Portland to Eugene. There were 12 people on our team. The highlights for me were running 5.25 miles at 3am down a highway outside of Corvallis (without an ipod and while having to pee) and crossing the finish line for my team after 36 hours. Can't wait to do it again next year. I never thought I would be a runner, but here I am.
Leon participated in cub scout camp, which was so good for his confidence. Both kids attended YMCA day camp last week. I was expecting tears and anxiety from Anna, but she grew a pair (of ovaries) and handled it like a woman. They got to have lots of adventures, including riding in a canoe for the first time. My heart swells with joy when I see my children experiencing the world and rising to new challenges.
They are FULL of ideas and opinions. Leon's pet phrases right now are "seriously?" and "what the heck?" Anna's is "I have a theory or hypothesis about that."
Christian? Well, he's finally walking (when he deems it convenient) and saying many words. My favorites are "car!" and "outside!"
Coming up in August: camping, a visit to Austin for baby and I, and Sacramento for mama and the kids. That will take us right into the school year. Whew! I will have very mixed feelings.
The break from seminary has been great, but I miss the spiritual grounding and focus that it provides in my life. In fact, it's time to get that back...

2011-03-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

The kids have recently discovered "The Cosby Show." You remember them - Cliff, Claire, and their five kids? Two successful black people living a typical family existence...this was my fantasy family when I was growing up. Two of the children had fair skin, the rest, deep brown. It was a periodic topic of discussion amidst my playground friends. How was that possible? It was particularly interesting to a little brown girl growing up in a house with white people.

Fast forward 25 years. We've got a checkerboard of people living under one roof. We've had some interesting discussions about race, with many more to come, I am sure. Here was today's, while watching the Cosbys:
Anna: "Mom, they have a white daughter, too (speaking of fair-skinned Denise)."
Me: "Oh no, honey, she's black. Her parents are black, so she is black. Her skin is just light."
Anna: "Oh. I'm black, too, right?"
Mom: "Yep. You sure are. You have one black parent and one white parent. That means you are a little of both. Just like me."

I was left to wonder: what does this mean to my little blue-eyed daughter? I hope that it will mean the same for her that it has come to mean for me, that people are the sum of their thoughts and actions, not their genetic inheritance. I hope it will mean that she moves through the world with comfort and confidence, happy to meet and experience those that cross her path. Thank you, Cosbys, for the laughs and the continuing education.

Meet Kosma - my Ukranian foster son

2011-03-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it's like to have a child who bears no resemblance to you? I mean, not even a hint that you share biology? If you didn't know me, and I showed you this picture, I could tell you that I picked up this child up in a Ukranian orphanage and you would be none the wiser. I'm fairly certain I gave birth to him. He's absolutely adorable...but I get no credit. Carry on Kosma!

What a crummy blogger!

2011-03-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

This is supposed to be a detailed, accurate account of the happenings at Chez Croskey! I am re-committing myself as of NOW. As I type, it's a Friday night and my poor husband is working until 9pm. The kids and I ate dinner at 5pm, which I found depressing. The kids are watching "Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo." If you haven't seen it recently, you are missing out.

Shawn and I have new church gigs. He was ordained a High Priest last week and we are waiting to see exactly what new challenges lay in store for him. I have been teaching early-morning Seminary for about a month. It's so rewarding to HAVE to study the scriptures every day. I love my students. I don't love going to bed at 10pm (10:30 at the latest) during the week, but I knew I would have to grow up sometime.

Here's some pics of our trip to Seaside last weekend. We had a great time with the Lee and Jackson families. They are just about enough to make a girl want to stay in Oregon for life.

Miracles

2010-08-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

We've been talking in Primary this month about miracles performed by Jesus Christ. It's caused me to reflect on some of the miracles that have taken place in my adult life. Shawn and I met almost 15 years ago, while working at Village Inn in Tempe, Arizona. He was apparently struck by my beauty (and who can blame him?). He stalked my car and decided to ask me out, even though he saw a Gloria Estefan tape on my dashboard. We had about 2 weeks to meet, go out, and become inseperable, because Shawn was fired from Village Inn for giving a friend a free glass of orange juice. There are many more details to this story and I will bore you with them, if requested.

There's no way that Shawn would have considered marrying me, had I not joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He was in love with me (and who can blame him?), but his committment to the church was unshakeable. I had no intention of joining the church, but talked to the missionaries more out of curiousity than anything. When I prayed to know whether the Book of Mormon was true, the witness I received was undeniable. I have never turned back and my life has been immeasruably blessed by that decision.

Our efforts to start a family were futile for several years. It became a daily struggle to keep going, keep fighting, keep paying, and keep praying to have this dream become a reality. There were so many times that I wanted to give up. I remember the day, about 3.5 years after starting the journey, that we saw a little heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. It was an amazing moment. It's just gotten better over the years, even though she is the most willful, emotional, argumentative child I have ever known.

We were considered moving to California and received a very strong answer to our prayer about it: NO! We were flummoxed as to why the Lord would care about where we lived. We had no idea why we needed to stay in AZ, but we went with it. About a week after this prayer, I started working with the woman who would eventually lead us to Leon. Though adopting our sweet boy has not been without trials, I believe strongly that he was always meant for our family.

Prayers and pleading for Christian started when Anna was a little over a year old. Now here he is! All approximately 18-20 pounds of him! I have no idea why my life has been so blessed, but I am grateful for it, and my ability to recognize it.

Tell me about your miracles.

718 days of summer

2010-08-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest...the 1st two or three days of summer were depressing for me. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the fact that my energetic, VERY chatty, contrary children were going to be in my care ALL the time. So, now that's down to the final month, I have actually felt the slight hints of sadness that come with the beginning of fall. Am I sad enough to let them stay up past their bedtime? No! Here are a few highlights of our adventures so far.

He wants to be one of them already.

Maybe by the time he is old enough to want to murder me for this, the blog will be lost in cyberspace. Please forgive me, son, I couldn't resist.

My favorite part to wash is underneath his chin. It's all squishy and plush!

Anna with one of her idols.

This is what happens when your mother is too cheap to pay your admission into the petting zoo.

My big kids at the California State Fair!

When you gonna feed me some ribs?

OMH

2010-05-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

What do I think of my first two months as a mother of three? In honor of my Utah friends, I share this phrase: Oh My Heck!

I would like to report that I am generally on top of things and that I shower before 2pm every day, but I can't. I am so sleep-deprived that I hallucinate extra family members at times. Shawn calls these companions my "shadow people." I am at a loss for words, not eloquent words, just words like "table" and "carpet." It turns out that sleep is necessary to maintain a vocabulary and the ability to drive. My kids are getting used to phrases like, "You'll have to do that yourself", "You're going to have to wait for that", and "I can't hear you when the baby is screaming in my ear." I am getting used to the two rolls of fat that refuse to leave my abdomen. Do you think the half-bag of pita chips I just consumed has anything to do with that?

Motherhood is a marathan. Dinner and flowers are great, but here is what you should do for a mother who is still raising her children: grab her gently by the shoulders and give her a little shake. Look her in the eyes and tell her that she is smarter than her children and that she can do it! Give her a pat on the butt and send her back into the trenches with a fistful of chocolate.

Christian is my little slice of heaven. Shawn gave him a blessing yesterday at church, which was so beautiful. I am so thankful for a kind, dutiful husband that holds the Priesthood. I have had to fight and beg for each one of my children and they have all been worth it.

So, where's my chocolate?

Christian's birth

2010-03-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

I started having mild contractions while watching Lost on Tuesday night. Shawn got home late from work and we both agreed that we hoped the contractions would go away, as we were too tired to have a baby that night. As we snuggled into bed and exchanged goodnights at 11pm, I felt a pop and my water spilled out onto the bed. Suddenly, we were wide awake!

I had been examined the day before and was already dilated to almost 4cm, so I was a complete 4 when we got to the hospital. It was surreal to lie there and know what was going to happen in what I thought would be a few hours. I labored for a few hours through painful contractions, but decided early on that an epidural was the way to go. The doc seemed to have a handle on the procedure and it went well. I could feel the contraction pressure, but no pain, and I had almost full use of my legs. As the night wore on, our very young and chipper nurse hung out in the room for what seemed like long periods chatting and typing into the computer. She was very sweet, but I wanted to be alone.

By 6:30am, I was dilated to 9cm, but the baby was still very high and refusing to come down. The nurse and I were hoping to get him out by the end of her shift at 7am. Didn't happen. 5 hours later, I was still at 9cm, but the baby's position had not changed. Shawn said that he was like a bat clinging to the inside of my uterus. I was given pitocin to regulate my contractions, which it did. My epidural was proving to be not quite strong enough to ward off the pain, and I started feeling the contractions. This frightened me. Another doc came in and gave me a dose of something to take away the pain. It did, but I was exhausted and emotional by this point. Our nurse was terrifc and understanding. At about 1pm, she had me start pushing and called the doc to tell him what was going on.

As she and Shawn were flanking my sides and pushing my legs back, I pushed with all my might. I could feel progress, but honestly was feeling like I would rather die than ever do this again. I told Shawn as much.

Just when I thought I could not muster any more energy for pushing, I felt a lot of progress and the nurse jumped up from the bed, half-yelling, "Stop pushing! Stop pushing! Just breathe!" She was crossing the room to call for the doc and backup. I cannot describe the amount of effort it took to stop the pushing and breathe. I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to comply, that I started sobbing and saying, "I can't. I can't." If you know me, you know I don't display emotion like that. The nurse hurried back to me while she was waiting for help. As the baby was coming out, she was muttering that the cord was wrapped around him. I could hear fear in her voice, which caused me to panic and sob some more. I heard the doc enter the room and very calmly, he pulled the baby out. I am told the cord was wrapped around his body in a figure 8 and then around his neck. I opened my eyes to see the room full of people and heard someone say "NICU", which made me continue to sob and say, "Is he ok?" "What's wrong?" over and over again. The baby was put on my chest, but all I could see was his purple head. He was wisked over to a respiratory therapist and we waited in agony until we heard his first little peeps. His first APGAR score was a 3 and his second was a 7.

We've had some feeding issues (he's been slow to it) and we've supplemented with a little formula, but he appears to be getting on track. We came home today and I am so sad that this precious little bundle is going to grow up. He's sleeping in his daddy's arms right now and he has no idea what a blessed little boy he is.

Six years gone by so fast...

2010-01-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

Now is not the time to start lamenting weight gain. There are no particular cravings. It's just a long list of favorite, ritualistic snacks: Honey Nut Cheerios, an English muffin with butter and honey, an orange, another orange? You get the picture. The snack list keeps growing and so do I. Let's hope the baby is using some of this nourishment and growing himself, because it will be embarrassing to pop out another tiny baby underneath all this girth.

This year has gotten off to a stressful start. Shawn's father and stepmother were involved in a serious car accident at the beginning of January. They are recovering, but it's going slowly and his father remains hospitalized. We have been doing our best to keep up with their bills and insurance claim needs, which is at least a part-time job. Selfishly, I have felt sad for the loss of Shawn's attention. He does his best and we have marvelous moments, but the guy can only be one place at a time. I am just hoping that at least some of this calms down before the baby is born, or I might have to go psycho-newborn-mom on someone.

Anna turned 6 the other day. I can't believe all that's happened in the years since her birth: two home purchases, a move to Oregon, adopting Leon, and those are just the extreme bullet points. It fills my heart with fear and a thrill to sit here and wonder what the next six years might entail. I do know this: kids are really unpredictable. I secretly pride myself on what a tight ship I run and that I KNOW how to keep my kids in line. My heart beats a little faster at the thought that the baby I carry might not fit so neatly into my well-disciplined package. Don't misunderstand. My kids are marvelous in public and worthy of execution at home. When you see us, we might appear to have all our ducks in a row. Please, baby, don't shatter the illusion. It's all I've got.

One last thing: PRAYER! I cling to it. It gives me hope when I feel the bleakest. Anna asked me the other day if Oprah was a real person. I said yes. She then asked if God loved Oprah. I said yes. She muttered, "Weird" under her breath and walked away. What a comfort to be able to tell my children that we do not have the answers to everything, but that we CAN pray about everything from the bully at school to the orphans in Haiti. I am so grateful to be a follower of Jesus Christ.

I said in a previous post that the baby's name would not be widely revealed until he was born. That was a lie. I've been telling it all over town. In case you haven't heard, it's Christian...spelled the Jesus way.

lessons learned

2009-11-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

Leon has been learning a lot lately. Just the other day, he explained to me the mechanics behind a "french kiss." This had been carefully illustrated by a fellow classmate. Today, he flipped me the bird from the back seat and told me that his friend told him that it meant "a bad word." Well, yes, my son, it does. After reminiscing with a friend about all the colorful lessons we learned in elementary school, I could only cringe and brace myself for what's ahead.

There are useful lessons, too. Leon witnessed a mother goat giving birth while on a field trip. He later told me that she had "pooped" them out. It was a good time for us to have a frank discussion about female anatomy. After all, it will be relevant around here in the near future. Anna came home from ballet class today wanting to teach all the terms she had learned and how to do a proper plie. If you have never experienced parental bliss, put your daughter in dance lessons and enjoy!

No pressure, kid...

2009-10-16T19:21:00.001-07:00

Meet the new love of my life: Baby boy Croskey! We know his name, but aren't ready to make it widely known. It took me about a day to get completely used to the idea of having another boy around the house. I knew he was a boy from early on in my pregnancy. (I knew Anna was a boy also - good track record). This time I was right! My initial thoughts were gratitude that he was healthy, what I was going to do with my attic full of baby clothes, and that Anna would be dissapointed about not getting a sister. She took it in stride. A direct quote: "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy, and it's a baby." As I looked at his picture and shopped online for his car seat, my heart melted and I fell in love.

Maternal love is so hard to explain. It's like trying to explain the ocean to someone whose never seen it. I am so grateful for it, because I don't know how these munchkins would make it out alive without it.

So, the dreams and fantasies begin. Someone has to play the drums in Anna's piano band. We need a basketball player. Most importantly, we need comic relief when Mom is stressed about the big kids' homework. We need someone to cuddle who will never say, "I need my space right now." And, we need someone to listen to Anna's rambling lessons about music conducting and the proper way to draw a triangle. You got all that? You're gonna have a great life. No pressure, kid. We love you already! (But, I love you the most).

"I am in love with myself!"

2009-10-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Anna admired my flat-ironed hair and begged me to do hers. She has the most adorable, soft curls framing her face. But, I too know the desire for change, so I complied. I could not get her away from the mirror for about 20 minutes afterward. I asked, "Are you just in love with yourself now?" Her reply came quickly: "Yeah mama - I am in love with myself!"

Develop over-inflated ego in daughter...check!

photo taken at 16 weeks pregnant

2009-10-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

After several attempts and outfit changes, I had Shawn take the first official photographic record of my pregnancy. This is at 16 weeks. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Anna, people would say, "You're halfway there and I can't even tell you're pregnant!"

Not the case this time.

A failed novelist

2009-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

A journal entry I read the other day stated that my novel would be completed by October 2007. That was a full two years ago and a mere two months before I would welcome a then 5-year-old little boy into my life and home. I just haven't found it within myself to finish that darn book. I think it's a good story and I am not saying we have no future together. But, our future together looks distant. This seems like a good activity for one who loves to write, and has many random thoughts, but little time and even less ability to make a serious committment.

My family is Shawn (40), Leon (7), Anna (5), and Abby the dog (8ish). Abby greets Shawn every evening when he gets home with the feverish intensity of a creature left in the desert being handed an iced glass of Gatorade. This is a complete mystery, because he pats her on the head exactly one time daily.

We are about one month into the school year and my major worry is really my only worry: the social strata of the public school system. My son seems to be drawn to overbearing, bullyish girls. My daughter is very shy and only truly comfortable around a handful of people in the world. I steel myself every day when I drop them off and pray that no one will be cruel to them. I waited all summer for them to be separated and now I just want to keep them in the same room together for protection. I am learning that the onion analogy can by applied to parenting: as soon as you feel like you have something, anything, about this journey figured out, another layer peels back and you feel raw and tearful. Shawn reminds me every day that all we can do is provide them with a secure, loving home to return to each day, no matter what happens outside these walls. He's right. But, we also pray for their protection (and I do a little social coaching in the ear when no one is looking...there has to be some benefit to having a social butterfly for a mother).

In news of the unborn: I love being pregnant! My family thinks it's really funny that I start yawning at 5pm and that I have to pee every 20 minutes. It's terrific. Assuming fetal cooperation, we will find out on October 14th whether we will be graced with a baby girl or boy. Either one will be treasured. Till next time...